All You Could Ask, and more...: January 2012

Hebrews 10:10 ....we have been made holy through the sacrifice of the body of Jesus Christ once for all.

11 Day after day every priest stands and performs his religious duties; again and again he offers the same sacrifices, which can never take away sins. 12 But when this priest had offered for all time one sacrifice for sins, he sat down at the right hand of God, 13 and since that time he waits for his enemies to be made his footstool. 14 For by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy.

15 The Holy Spirit also testifies to us about this. First he says:

16 "This is the covenant I will make with them after that time, says the Lord.
I will put my laws in their hearts, and I will write them on their minds."

17 Then he adds:
"Their sins and lawless acts I will remember no more."
18 And where these have been forgiven, sacrifice for sin is no longer necessary.

The inner cries of my heart and memories could write forever on the topic of abortion and it's affect on my life. Abortion is the worst decision a woman could make, and I made that terrible choice about 8 years ago. I killed my own child, and a part of me died too.

I grew up in a Christian home. As I entered into high school worldly influences began creeping in. A society that had flung off decent moral behavior for freedom of instant gratification of any pleasure as our 'god-given' human right was rapidly increasing decades before I came on the scene. The 'night life' was looking like a good boogie dance and there was no truthful representation of any repercussions. So when temptations came knocking on my door as sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll I gave in, as many teens do, despite my upbringing 'in the church'.

After college I moved to Las Vegas and continued to party like a rockstar. I met pimps, drug dealers, bar tenders, and addicts who became my friends. One day I met a Cuban boy who did 'bad' drugs like meth but was very charming. He finally got me to sleep with him, but it wasn't hard, I had been sleeping with many men, all the time. The difference that night was that the protection I had decided on using, he decided not to abide by, and I found myself pregnant.

I wasn't even aware I may be pregnant until my roommate, who had had two abortions, said I needed to do something before it was 'too late' because she had noticed my period was late. I knew the father of my child was a drug addict and was afraid the baby could have bad side affects from his frequent abuse of meth-amphetamines. I felt there was no way I could tell my parents because I didn't want them to be disappointed that I had gotten 'knocked up' by a loser drug addict in Vegas. I couldn't deal with this man in my life forever, possibly with a 'retarded' child and I felt desperate, cornered with only bad outcomes to choose. I decided I would have an abortion. These reasonings seemed so right at the time and I knew of others who had abortions and were seemingly 'ok'; I could do it too. I sincerely regret this choice.

I made the appointment, and my roommate drove me there. I paid the $400 something and chose to be given drugs to pass out. I have a really blotchy memory of that event. I waited while I became drowsy, went into the abortion room, where a nurse and doctor used an ultrasound machine, but I never was shown the picture. I was pretty much asleep, and when I came to they wheeled me back into the lobby where my friend helped me get my shoes on and drove me home. I could not walk under the influence of the drugs and so she helped me up three flights of stairs and into my bedroom.

I found out later that the father of my child, that I had killed, was siting in my living room when I came back from the abortion clinic. He asked what was going on and figured it out, probably with the help of my roommate. I felt a guilt that kept me dating him for more than a year after that, despite our fighting, and disgust of one another. He would call me 'murderer', and remind me how I had killed his child. These names were the truth and they sunk in deeper and deeper, until I completely hated myself. I formed a drug addiction to cocaine, and drank every night into a haze of depression. We broke up and for two years straight I did drugs every night to stay awake, to go to sleep, and to forget the pain. I thought I was living a rock 'n roll Vegas life, but at night on my pillow I would despair in self-hatred. I prayed that God would not let me die in my sleep, and would get me out of this mess; but the next day I would do it all over again.

So finally I met a nice guy at work who wanted to move to Hawaii, and take me with him. I saw my chance to get free with this guy who had a good job, nice family and friends. So we flew to Honolulu and started new lives there. We were in love and in paradise. My drug use had cut way down and I drank a lot less too. Nevertheless I eventually I met some barfly friends and began staying out late with them. I slid right back into my destructive lifestyle. The real deal was I couldn't face reality. I just wanted to get high, and drunk and stay that way. I didn't like being sober at all, feelings and thoughts of truth would bombard me and I would remember I was a 'murderer'.

The hospital visit came after a night of binge drinking, and I felt I was going to die the next day because I couldn't stop throwing up. Then another hospital visit after the same kind of binge, and a huge fight where my boyfriend called me a 'whore' in front of all my friends. I remembered seeing a girl at work reading the bible, and so I had bought one, and I had him read me the bible from the Psalms while I was in the hospital. After this visit I never did cocaine again, Divine deliverance.

I realized I must go to God. I cried, full of shame and feeling that God could never forgive my sinful choices. I knew I had broken every commandment when God's kind conviction led me to the Door of Faith Church. At church I knelt at the altar weeping bitterly. This Assembly of God pastor took me under his wing and helped lead me back to the Lord. I began going to revival meetings where they had 'fire-tunnels' and God's presence would fall on people, who would fall over laughing uncontrollably. I would go through the tunnel and come out crying violently from the bottom of my soul. Hurled over sobbing so wretchedly that if you looked at me, you would cry too. Eventually I became filled with the urgent need to pray; always wanting to hear God's voice over the enemy's cold hearted lies.

I told my parents I was back with the Lord, and this time it was real love, received and reciprocated. I had my own relationship with Jesus, my merciful, healing, faithful God. They flew me to Vegas October 2007 for The Call. Bound 4 LIFE ministries had an altar call where women who had abortions could go forward and get prayer. Hesitantly, standing near my parents, I finally went forward without telling them a thing. At the front of the stage, a small group of women gathered. We knelt and cried, and I felt a heavy weight lift off my shoulders. The shame I carried for years was replaced with true freedom. A woman came up to pray for me and told me that the Lord had forgiven me the first time I had asked! That was the most powerful statement, and it cut through to my heart. I embraced the love of the Lord and His healing presence filled me. God's acceptance and love raised me up and lifted me out of the darkness, so I could walk in His light and truth.

When I returned home to Honolulu, my boyfriend and I had broken up. I kept working my job and tried to make it on my own there, but it was expensive. Bound 4 LIFE called from Washington DC to ask if I would start a chapter in Honolulu to lead local prayer meetings for the ending of abortion. I was so moved by God's grace and His deep desire to see LIFE prevail in America that He would use, broken little me in such an important prayer initiative. The Lord continued to move my heart with His mercy, and I fell deeply in love with Jesus. Jesus bore my sins in His body on the cross, that I would live for righteousness. He has never stopped showing me mercy, and lavishing His love upon me with grace and truth. God makes all things new, and nothing is impossible with Him. I am beloved of God.

Now today, I'm still falling in love with Jesus as He has chosen me to be one of the 39 women who will walk a 'trail of tears' for the 54 million unheard unborn, and their hurting mothers and fathers. Now I step into another journey on the path God has laid before me, and I gladly surrender my body, my voice, my story into His will. He is worthy to be loved extravagantly, because that's how He loves me and you.

God is patient with us, desiring that none should perish, but that all should come to repentance. Jesus came to bring LIFE; bringing salvation by God's own arm. For He has appointed a day when He will judge the world in righteousness. Today let us live for righteousness. Jesus I plead Your blood over my sins, and the sins of my nation. God end abortion and send revival to America.

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